Home... Index... Articles... Links... From the Press... Snippets... Message Board... Editor's Bio... Bulletin Board... Submissions... Free Update... Writers... E-mail

    usadeepsouth.com




    Superbras and Whiskey
    by Mike Windham



    David Earl came roaring up my driveway in a cloud of red gravel dust. He threw open the door of his red pickup truck. I was sitting there drinking my second beer. Yep, I was barefooted. I had my favorite college cap pushed to the back of my head. I was reading the morning paper. The kids had come home from school about an hour earlier. I love living in the South!

    David Earl took two steps at a time as he ran up on the porch. In his left hand was a big brown plastic bag from one of those big name department stores in Jackson.

    “Watcha got, David Earl?”

    “Got another beer?” he said.

    “Do fish swim in the river?” I answered. By the time the words were out of my mouth, David Earl’s hand was in the cooler next to my chair. I leaned up and swatted him with the newspaper. “What’s the big rush?”

    David Earl reached into the plastic bag and pulled out the biggest bra I think I’ve ever seen up close and personal. He held it up by the straps and stretched it out with both hands.

    “See what I got?"

    “Ca . . . can’t help but see what you . . . uhh . . . you got!” I said. I knew we were about to head off on one of those wild and crazy trips David Earl takes me on ever so often. My thoughts were Adventure is right around the corner; Dear God, let this be an easy one!

    I took a deep breath, much like a parachutist does right before he lets go of the airplane.

    “Ok, my friend, why are you holding . . . no, why did you buy a bra big enough to hold two watermelons?”

    “Ah, don’t drop your ice cubes in the fire. I got a plan, a big plan. I’m going to make a whole lot of money. I know it. This is going to be the windfall.”

    “You’re going to start making the biggest bras in the world. Then delta cotton prices go up a dollar a pound. Right?”

    “Ya ain’t got the faith! Listen up. Tell me I ain’t wrong.”

    David Earl took about 15 minutes telling me his plan.

    It seems David Earl had tried to slip a couple of bottles of whiskey into an Ole Miss ballgame. They caught him and threatened to throw him out of the stadium. It’s hard to kick a Loyalty Club member out of the game. And they threw his whiskey away. That day, that hour and at that location, they never knew how it hurt David Earl’s pride.

    So, David Earl started thinking about how he could beat them and outsmart them. After all, isn’t that the definition of every rebel?

    Back to the superbra and my front porch.

    David Earl called my wife Norma Sue out on the porch. The moment she stepped on the porch, David Earl handed her this superbra and asked her to try it on. I can’t describe the look that suddenly appeared on my darling wife’s face. I won’t even go near what she said. The words were short and direct.

    David Earl didn’t back down.

    “I need you to do this for just a moment and help me explain something to Mike here,” he pleaded.

    It took a couple of minutes and some more explaining, but finally she said, “OK!”

    A moment later, my little wife is standing there, wearing a pair of slacks, a blouse, an apron and this huge bra on top of everything. By the way, there was a lot of room in that bra. For you women, think several letter sizes, OK?

    Norma Sue is heating up towards her boiling point. I can see her starting to steam. David Earl was blind!

    “See how much room is in there!” he said, pointing to my wife’s chest. “Here’s my plan. We need to manufacture little plastic bags with screw-on tops. You know what I mean, little disposable baggies that don’t leak. It’s a million dollar idea. I’m telling you, no one has thought of this. It’s my fortune for the taking.”

    Norma Sue is escaping from the size XL bra. She looks at me as if I’m going to sleep alone for the rest of my natural life.

    “I don’t understand,” I say to David Earl, watching my wife out of the corner of my eye.

    “It’s so simple! You make these bags, sell them at every college football game, print them in school colors if you will. The kids buy them for a dollar or two a piece. They have to buy two; they just can’t buy one. They fill the bags with whiskey. The girls stuff them into their bras. They add two or three cup sizes. All the rest of the boys look at them and say 'Look at her! Look how she’s built; I’d like to go out with her', and so forth.”

    I was glad my wife was unarmed at that point.

    “The girls wear their superbras into the stadium, pull out the little baggies, everyone drinks and has a good time. And those little stadium security guys ain’t got a clue! They can’t search a woman’s breasts for illegal whiskey.

    I’m speechless. Norma Sue coils up like a snake about to strike.

    “I win!” David Earl says with a smile as big as the Mississippi River.

    __________________________


    Mike Windham is a successful business owner and part-time writer from Brookhaven, Mississippi. He's got a lot more college than any of his high school teachers imagined, finally settling for 3 degrees from 3 Mississippi universities. He loves Ole Miss and the Deep South, and he still has problems with Yankees and lawyers. He owns a 28 year old pickup truck that was a gift from his family, a 4 wheel drive hunting truck, 2 dogs, 4 pairs of bib overalls, 3 chain saws, 2 guns and a pocketknife.


    Mike has been a motivational speaker and management/marketing consultant in the insurance industry since 1998. He teaches continuing education workshops nationwide. He has had more than 100 articles and essays published about business management and insurance related topics.




    Read more of Mike's hilarious stories here at USADS!
    The Job Interview
    How To Buy A Strip Club
    Buying a Dog on Saturday Night
    Customer Service



    Want to leave a comment on this article?
    Please visit our Message Board
    or write Ye Editor at bethjacks@hotmail.com.
    Thanks!


    Back to USADEEPSOUTH - I index page

    Back to USADEEPSOUTH - II index page