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    In defense of toes
    by Beth Boswell Jacks

    While applying “Coral Calypso” to my toenails the other afternoon, I suddenly realized that I rarely read anything about toes. Honestly, these important digits that bear weight, assist with balance, and double the profits of nail polish magnates get little respect in today’s world.

    Think about it. We’re inundated with articles about hair, about skin, about eyes and fingernails, about gall bladders even – but toes, relegated to the bottom-most point of the human body, are all but ignored.

    Sure, there’s the infrequent story like the one recently in the paper about a Spanish mountaineer who scaled an 8,000 meter peak in the Chinese/Pakistani mountains. The guy was determined to continue his climbing despite losing all his toes to frostbite.

    Juanito Oiarzabal said the amputations are no big deal and he’ll head to the western Himalayas this fall for more of the same fun.

    This story just shows that not only are toes ignored, they’re also abused. But at least Senor Oiarzabal has no more toes to beat up on – or cut off, as it were.

    Perhaps, though, toes may be finally pitter-patting their way to the forefront. Ever heard of FUDARE? I didn’t think so.

    FUDARE is the Foundation for Fundamental Dactylogical Reading. Headquarters are in Europe (in France, to be exact, or, to be not so exact, maybe in the Netherlands). The head guru has a Hungarian sounding name, Imre Somogyi.

    Somogyi has published a book titled READING TOES which is guaranteed to help us . . . uhhh . . . read toes. The book explains about different toe shapes and positions of toes and what all of this means – a concept I find toe-tally fascinating. (Sorry.)

    According to the book blurb: “READING TOES is meant to be a tool for analysis of character and behavior, to discover talents and possibilities and to help get to the bottom of relationships. Also, elements are attached to toes.”

    I’m not one to argue, but I’ve never noticed elements attached to my toes. Maybe the “Coral Calypso” covers that stuff up.

    Only kidding. I think the man may have something with his toe theories. After all, he did extensive research for fifteen years on beaches, in saunas, and anywhere else he could spy on folks’ feet.

    He thinks that if you have:

    Crooked toes – you’re a conformist, unable to resist pressure from your peers.

    Angular tipped toes – you are irritated by diplomacy.

    Round tipped toes – “The rounder your toes are, the more you tend to remove every angle in your communication with others,” Somogyi says. “That is why you are sometimes considered prudent and polished.”

    Connected toes – you’re impulsive and unthinking.

    Toes with large gaps – you don’t make hasty decisions.

    Big big toes – you possess strong verbal abilities and a need to communicate.

    Big second toes – you’re not good at cleaning up after yourself.

    There’s more, but the explanations are really complicated, and anyway, I do Mr. Somogyi no service by revealing his secrets. We should buy the book.

    And get this: A second reason toes may soon get deserved recognition is the growing popularity of toe wrestling (for real). This sport is similar, I’m told, to arm wrestling, and the top contenders are most often those with big feet.

    Held in England each June, the toe wrestling championships draw competitors from all over the world (especially Belgium and New Jersey), and while toe wrestling is not an Olympic sport at the moment, promoters are hoping they will soon get a foot in the door.

    And me? I’m just happy my round tips prove I’m prettily prudent and polished.

    Uh huh. Round tips and “Coral Calypso” can sure turn everyday old toes into things of beauty. And thank you, but I'm not setting foot in the Chinese/Pakistani mountains.


    Editor of USADEEPSOUTH, Beth Boswell Jacks is the author of 3 books (Grit, Guts, and Baseball and Snippets I and II) and is also a weekly columnist for a number of Southern newspapers. Readers and editors may contact her at bethjacks@hotmail.com.
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