But seeing as how we baby-boomers now have more choices than any generation before us, I decided to take advantage of the latest craze. Tooth-whitening strips. I bought them at the dental office that very day because: they're prescription strength (stronger than store-bought), I'm an impulse shopper and, okay, a sucker for a new gadget.

I've now begun this highly technological and thoroughly amazing feat: Bleaching my teeth with hydrogen peroxide. The idea of these strips is really kind of cool--no pain, lots of gain, moderately priced. But the harsh reality hit me last night as I applied my first strip. Y'all know I hate to read directions, so I didn't. I thought, How complicated could this be? It's not like something could go wrong!

But it did.

Crazy me took the foil packet out, pulled the little tear thingy and there it was: The strip, one for the upper jaw and one for the lower jaw. I set to work applying the strip to my teeth. It was impossible. That hard plastic would not bend and it hurt! Plus, it gouged my gingiva (that's 'gums' in layman's terms--remember, I used to be a dental hygienist until I got the mayor's mustache caught in my polisher and caused a permanent twitch, thereby ending his political career).

The inflexible strips made me think, There has got to be a better way! So, I took out that hard, clear piece for inspection, and realized, Aha! That was the backing.

Geez, I was almost too embarrassed to tell this, but if I didn't, there would be no “Family competition: In search of the great, white teeth--Page 2--story.” Then I got it! I applied the flexible, ooey-gooey, top coated strip and next, the ooey-gooey bottom strip. I sat there for thirty minutes, but it seemed like thirty hours.

The worst part was that during that time, I could not talk (not even to myself)! I never realized how much I do talk to myself, until then. Things like, Go to the bank in the morning. Did I call Kelly? What time are we supposed to meet Sharon and Browney for dinner?

But since Russell, my husband, wasn't around (out of town on business), I wasn't tempted to talk to him. In fact, I waited until 11:00 p.m. to apply the strips for that very reason. I knew I wouldn't get any phone calls that late.

After my faux pas, I decided maybe I HAD better read the instructions. What if they said something like, "Do not apply on an empty stomach"--yeah, right, like anyone would do that--heck, it's hard enough applying them to your teeth.

But I was a little hungry, truth be told. So, I sat there and opened the box and found the booklet and thought, Why not? However, the instructions (in Spanish) did not make sense to me. I realize that the Spanish language is gaining in popularity in our country, but I decided right then and there, if they are going to start printing instructions in Spanish, they danged sure better give us an interpretive dictionary to go along with it. I skimmed several pages, becoming more confused with each new word. Then it dawned on me: Turn the booklet over. You know how the Spiegel catalog starts out with furniture or whatever, and then, voila, you must FLIP THE BOOK to go to the back/front cover for clothes. Well, it was like that.

Today was application #2 and it wasn't much better. The entire top strip broke into three pieces. I had to dab-dab-dab to make even half of it stay in place. That was “Family competition: In search of the great, white teeth--Page 3” when I noticed the expiration date was 20 days away and this is a 21-day program. Hmmm . . .

I know y'all think I am doing this for vanity reasons; and maybe I am. But I also like to learn about new inventions and experiments, and I just wanted to see what would happen. Just to prove how much I like chemistry, let me remind you of the blue ribbon I won in ninth grade on a project titled "crystallization." Really.

But the other reason was because Russell used the strips a month ago, and you know how that goes: If it's good enough for him, I want a shot at it too!

Except Russell made a crucial mistake (in my opinion) in that he didn't go to the dentist first to get his teeth cleaned. He bought the strips at the drugstore (not prescription strength) and though his teeth did indeed brighten somewhat, I believe he would have been better off to visit our dentist first and then buy the professional strength strips from her. I tried to make my point by saying, "Russell, what good are bright white teeth if you don't have regular check ups? The pain and suffering of unchecked teeth, i.e., receding gums and possible cavities, will far outweigh the beauty of your teeth."

But you know men. You can't tell them anything. I plan to rehash this story once more--reminding him to call the dentist when he returns from Atlanta, as I smile ever so brightly, flashing my pearly whites!

Life Is Short, But It’s Wide (In the Southern State of Reality) is Ann’s second book of humor columns. Published by Carolina Avenue Press, the book was released in September, 2003. Her first book was entitled What Was It I Was Saying? She is a regular contributor to Sasee Magazine, and she also writes for Pee Dee Magazine, Strand, and Gateway Publications. She is active in community theatre, where her favorite role to date was that of Truvy Jones in Steel Magnolias. Her day job consists of being a home-based, self-employed medical transcriptionist for twelve years.

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