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Uncle Willie Gets Masseused
by Asa Sparks

Uncle Willie was feeling really good for a change. His soul was clean and his back was even cleaner. Just the day before, he had been telling his buddy, Lynn, about the problems he had been having sleeping. He had been having terrific toe cramps in the middle of the night where his muscle would draw his big toe vertical from the other toes. How it hurt until he got up and walked around to relax the muscle.

Sometimes he got a charley-horse in his calf that stayed hard and sore all day. Willie had tried about everything: calcium, sleeping with socks on or off, potassium, quinine, covers and uncovered, Minute Rub and patches. Nothing worked permanently. Much as he hated to bother him, it looked like Uncle Willie was going to have to go see the doctor.

When Lynn had heard enough of the complaining, he suggested, "Willie, why don't you go into town and try one of them masseuses?"

"What's a masseuses?"

"They are somebody who has learnt how to squeeze your muscles and get them to relax. They go to school to be trained and are licensed by the state. You can look at the wall in their office to see what college they graduated from and their license. You might even see one of the Health Department signs with a number written on it. If the number is under 75, you just walk on out and find you another masseuses."

One night, Uncle Willie got one of those calf knots that would not go away. So, he told Lena Mae that he was going to the next town to see if a masseuses could help him.

Willie got off the Interstate and started driving into town. First he had to pass by the gas stations, warehouses and storage buildings. He spotted a sign that said "Oriental Health - Dry Sauna, Steam Sauna, Massage and Shower." He turned around and went back to check it out. Once he had bagged a couple swana's when he was out goose hunting.

He went into the waiting room. There were no certificates on the wall. Just a picture of a Chinese bridge. He must have arrived too early because this oriental woman in a flowered silk nightgown came into the room and invited him in. There was no desk or nothing. She just scurried him down the hall and into a room with a masseuses table. She told him to undress and gave him a towel to cover with. Willie asked about prices. It was $40.00 for a half hour and $60.00 for a whole hour and that included the shower. He said he would go for the whole hour.

After taking his money, she led him down the hall to the shower room. There was another masseuses table covered with plastic. She told Willie to lie down and hosed him down with warm water through a lawn sprinkler. Then she took one of those scrubbing things like Lena Mae used and began washing his back. Willie felt he had never had such a clean back before. Willie had told her about the charley-horse in his calf muscle, but it didn't get any special attention. Then she did the same to his bottom and his legs. Finally, she hosed him down with warm water. Then, she had him turn over and did the same with his front, but she did not spend as much time as she had on what must have been an awfully dirty back.

She took him back to the masseuses room and had him lie down where she again rubbed and powdered his back. He knew he would smell good when he went back home to Lena Mae. Then, she wanted to do his front. He looked down the front of her silk nightgown and saw she had on no underwear. Willie was wanting her to do something special for that knot in the calf of his leg, so he asked if there were anything else she could do.

Well, bless your heart, Honey, before Willie could say, "Hold on, sister," she had ripped off the towel, reached up and grabbed the lube gun hanging down from the ceiling and sprayed his loins with WD-40. Willie finally got the "Hold on, sister" out and let her know that was a no-no. She offered to do a Monica for just $125.00 additional. When he told her to clean up the oil and "no, No, NO!" the battle was on. She tried everything she knew to get more money but she lost.

As he was driving away, Willie was glad he never Viagred for anyone except Lena Mae and he never would. His soul was clean and his back even cleaner.

When he got home he told Lena Mae about his adventure. She gave him four Aleve. In the next few days, the lump on his head and the knot in his left leg were gone.

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Who is Asa Sparks?


Asa Sparks is a retired Alabama educator with a talent for writing humorous stories. He’s a regular contributor to USADEEPSOUTH with his Uncle Willie tales.

Here's how Asa describes himself:
“This is another of my Uncle Willie fact-stretched stories.

“My full name is Asa Sparks, but I am known primarily as AsA all over the State of Alabamer. Until I retired, I worked and traveled for the Alabama State Department of Education. Prior to that I worked with delinquents kids--of whom I was chiefest.

“I have been fortunate to have written several trade books. Hope For The Frogs (oop) was the most popular. Many assumed I liked frogs. I don't. Give me princes and princesses every time. The only other book of mine currently in print is The Two-Minute Lover.

“I am singular and have three wonderful children who all live in the South, but not as deeply south as I. They have provided 8 genius grandchildren for me to dote on in my dotage.”


Readers may contact him at Asa’s mailbox

For more of Asa’s stories, click here:
Uncle Willie Goes To A Baptizin’
Uncle Willie and the Worm Sandwich
Uncle Willie and the New Car
Uncle Willie Shoots a Ford


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