from the BMOC
by Beth Boswell Jacks
Reunions are great, but nothing compares with the fantasies we conjure prior to this Hug Fest.
In our wildest dreams, don’t we wish we could walk into the Big Reunion looking like a million dollars? Don’t we wish every person we ever had a crush on (and who never asked us out) would rush to our side, drooling and acting a fool for our attention? We like to imagine the stupes are mentally kicking themselves you-know-where and thinking, “I must have been nuts not to date her/him!”
I’m not going to divulge my source, but this very thing happened at a local high school reunion several years ago. The guy who told me about it described how a classmate, painfully shy and a touch on the pudgy side during their school days, returned to their reunion looking as if she’d just stepped from the pages of Vogue. Sophisticated. Svelte. Swoon stuff.
Nobody recognized her.
The class members were all abuzz. “Who is that?”
Well, after they all donned nametags, attendees discovered the pretty lady’s identity, and much exclamation swirled within tight circles of envious women and admiring men. Several of the guys (single, I’m sure) began to flirt, but our smashing heroine stopped them cold with a classic line: “Where were you back in high school, buddy?”
Hearing this tale, the poet in me was inspired mightily.
Thus, using the perspective of the pal who told me the story, I wrote the following verse and recommend the lesson to all of us, young and old.
One day I got a letter from an old classmate
saying: “Class Reunion! Remember this date.
We’re gonna get together at our dear high school
to dance and talk and act a fool.
Years have passed and we’ll really have fun
seeing what damage all those years have done.
Lose a little weight and dye your hair,
and no excuses. Y’all all be there
at the big reunion."
Now, my mind started working: Were the gals still purty?
Would they flirt like crazy and dance a little dirty?
When I come through the door will they all still swoon?
Will I even have a break for the Little Boys’ Room?
Will they tell me, “The years have been good to you,”
and cuddle up close and squeeze me? Oooh!
Big Reunion! Gonna have a little fun.
Big Reunion! And I’m still top gun.
So I lost ten pounds eating Lean Cuisine,
decided to splurge on a limousine,
put a diamond on my finger, bigger than life –
kinda sentimental (from my last ex-wife).
Arrived a minute late so I’d look real chic,
been working on my entrance for, I guess, a solid week.
First woman I saw knocked me on my rear.
My brain said, “Son, I’m so glad you’re here
at the big reunion!"
I moved over closer to this knock-out dame,
and said, “Hey, Sugar, do I know your name?”
That good-looking woman put me in my place
when she looked me in the eye and laughed in my face.
“Where were you back in high school, buddy,
when I didn’t have a figure and my face was kinda muddy?
I never had a boyfriend and I never had a date.
Sorry, big guy, but you’re years too late
at this big reunion."
I learned my lesson, you fellows in school.
Look a little deeper ‘less you wanta be a fool.
There’s some sweet young gals who stay a little hid,
so give ‘em a call – you’ll be glad you did . . .
at the big reunion!
Editor of USADEEPSOUTH, Beth Boswell Jacks is the author of 3 books (Grit, Guts, and Baseball and Snippets I and II) and is also a weekly columnist for a number of Southern newspapers. Readers and editors may contact her at email@example.com.
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Looking for another humorous reunion essay? Try this one!
Old friendships chase the blues away
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