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High-heeled shoes get the pitcheroo
by Beth Boswell Jacks

“It’s those things that seem like
almost nothing that can, in the end,
nearly kill you.” -- Angela Warner

Those up-east citizens are at it again. This time the news media folks are buzzing about a Connecticut gal they’re calling Bridezilla. Seems Bridezilla went berserk at her wedding reception and began throwing Italian cream cake and gifts all over the place. The police had to come and arrest her to stop the rampage. As they hauled her off to jail she tried to sink her teeth into an officer’s arm while she kicked the door and window of the police cruiser.

Now, that’s rowdy.

But the girl was mad, and I know exactly what happened. The problem, I’m surmising, had to do with her feet.

If you’re a woman, you’ve been there. You’ve felt the pain. It’s those blame high heels. After an hour or two they’ll drive even the mildest mannered girl to commit mayhem.

Marilyn Monroe once cooed, “I don’t know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.”

Yeah, like a turnip up his nose.

My friend Mary has a new job in Memphis. Would you believe one of the requirements is that she wear high heels? No kidding. And this job is with the school system. She’s now a supervisor and has to look professional, she says.

I’m wondering how anybody looks professional when they’re hobbling from one supervisory location to another. And do you know that high heels cause your boo-tay to stick out an additional 25%? How professional looking is that?

(Hey, I’m talking about legitimate professions.)

A publication called Health and Age maintains that high heels are the “major cause of foot problems in women. Many fashionable high heels are designed to constrict the foot by up to an inch. One study even suggests that wearing heels may lead to arthritis of the knee.”

So why do we women do this to ourselves? Because fashion designers like Stuart Weitzman feed us a bunch of hogwash. “Nothing has been invented yet,” he says, “that will do a better job than high heels at making a good pair of legs look fabulous.”

I say what good are a fabulous pair of legs if we can’t walk?

I read where Miss Mississippi is having to wear 7 1/2” heels for the Miss America pageant. What? Since when has it become attractive to parade on stilts? This is really putting our Miss on a pedestal, right?

Quite frankly, my little two inch heels are close to being thrown in the trash. I’m tired of all this pain for the sake of what? Looking cute? Duh-ream on.

So what am I going to wear on my feet other than my good ol’ sneakers?

I saw a story about a man named Hlavacek who’s reconstructed a pair of shoes found on the feet of the prehistoric iceman whose mummified body was discovered in an Alpine glacier. The soles of the shoes are of thin bearskin, padded on the inside with hay. This, I like.

Or maybe I’ll fill my closet with the cutest shoe I’ve seen in a long time--a balloon adorned flip flop.

The college girl who bounced past me in a restaurant stopped to show me the flip flops when I grabbed her arm and exclaimed, “Those sandals are adorrrrrrable!”

She created them herself, she said. She bought a pair of inexpensive flip flops at a discount store, then tied colorful balloons (not blown up, of course), bunched closely, on the strap part. Talk about flouncy and pert.

And, may I add, comfortable.

Yep, I’ve got a plan--a road trip to Albany, Indiana. There on their little town square is a shoe tree. Locals and tourists have tossed hundreds of shoes up in that oak tree for years, and I understand it’s something to see.

Maybe Bridezilla would join me in pitching our ouchers up in the Albany shoe tree. Then we could run by the dollar store and invest in some flip flops.

Reckon I can find balloons in fall colors?


NEW! Read Beth's review of "Somebody is going to die if Lilly Beth doesn't catch that bouquet ~ The official Southern ladies' guide to hosting the perfect wedding" by Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays [Hyperion/NYC]. CLICK HERE

Editor of USADEEPSOUTH, Beth Boswell Jacks is the author of 3 books (Grit, Guts, and Baseball and Snippets I and II) and is also a weekly columnist for a number of Southern newspapers. Readers and editors may contact her at bethjacks@hotmail.com

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