by Charles W. Dowdy
My wife wears her fair share of funky clothing. She also sees most things in a different light from the herd and is not afraid to speak her mind, quite loudly, when her opinion goes totally against the flow. And when she lived in Hungary (yes, that Hungary) she became "one" with her body hair.
My point is that my wife is not your typical Southern Belle. I tend to think of her as a hippie born thirty years too late. So I was somewhat surprised when my wife got up in arms because I started cutting my kids' hair. Then she went ballistic when I started cutting my own hair. You would think the world was ending the way my wife is carrying on about it.
The complaining started when she opened the credit card bill and saw how much I paid for my electric clippers. At first blush four hundred and twenty six dollars might seem a wee bit on the high side for a personal grooming product. Common sense dictates that there are some household items that are OK to skimp on: underwear, beer, shaving cream, toilet paper for the kid's bathroom. However, as I stood there looking at the vast array of hair clippers, I realized that when it came to the physical appearance of my children or me, anything less than the Scalper 6000 seemed reckless and cheap.
The Scalper 6000 is so high tech it comes with a twelve-page instruction book and fifteen color-coded attachments. Despite what my wife says, I did peruse the instruction manual, which was undoubtedly written by some kid in India who learned English from watching reruns of ER.
"You will place the Scalper 6000 with color coded attachment against the head and all will be happiness and bliss. If the scalp contains unnaturally large bumps or gatherings of dandruff then some bleeding might occur, in which case the Scalper 6000 must be carefully cleaned and oiled. Never leave hair particles or recently torn flesh inside the Scalper 6000."
Pretty common sense stuff so maybe I didn't read the whole manual -- but what moron would need to? It's the same concept as mowing grass. Just watch out for the ears and let that bad boy go to town.
Now, I refuse to back up on this thing about my six-year-old nephew, who happened to be at our house eating all of our food when I broke out the Scalper 6000. I did not, DID NOT, cut his hair any shorter than that of my children. Quite frankly, to take advantage of a child who doesn't know better would be cruel.
Second, I did not intentionally "practice" on that same nephew, as my wife has alleged. He was the one pushing his way to the front of the line. And yes, I did make a few unfortunate mistakes. (Who knew the Scalper was self propelled?) But this episode should teach that young fellow an important lesson about waiting his turn in line.
So, despite all appearances to the contrary, my own flesh and blood got the same length cut as the young kin from across the street.
Now that we've dealt with that, let me clear up this crazy misunderstanding regarding the medical condition of one of our 3 year old twins.
Some of you may have seen the ridiculous charges brought by the DA.
Yes, I admit it, one of the twins was standing in front of Wally World, post Scalper 6000 haircut, holding a red cup with about an once of milk in it. That part of the allegation is undisputed. What that lynch mob of a prosecutor's office doesn't understand is that as a responsible father I was trying to get my son to finish his drink before we went in. Then some guy coming out of the store drops a couple of bills in my son's cup. Then another drops some spare change. Then another. How am I supposed to know what "procedure" or "operation" these people kept talking about? (But after an hour or so of this we had enough milky money to pay for the shears!)
So I rest my case on the expense side of the Scalper 6000, assuming, of course, that my lawyer dad is going to represent me free of charge.
Charles Dowdy is the father of four and the husband of one. He's a freelance columnist for several Mississippi newspapers. Editors may contact him at email@example.com.
For more stories by Charles Dowdy, visit these USADS pages:
Goodby, Debt; Hello, Ricecakes
The Waiting Room War Zone
Small Towns and The 3 Second Intersection Rule
President Bush, Sponge Bob, and a Banana
The Twins Journal
Amending the Neighborhood Constitution
Double Trouble: Cross-eyed Twins
An open letter to my wolf
The Chattanooga North Pole
This column really stinks
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