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Don't give me no thick ankles
by Ed Williams

I've been thinking about something my mother told me many years ago. I was a teenager at the time, and I was dating several girls instead of just dating my steady girlfriend. My mother, for some inexplicable reason, was not too crazy about that, so she gave me a lecture about how I was going to lose my steady. She went on and on and on about it. I finally grumbled some sort of response, which prompted her to say something I remember to this day. She said:

ďSon, beware of city women that smell too good,
country women that act too good,
and old women with fast hands.Ē

Pretty profound, huh? I thought so, too. Funny thing, though -- since then Iíve learned a little more about life and have picked up on something rather interesting. She was one hundred percent right about watching out for the smelly city women, the too good country women, and she was very, very right about the fast handed old women, but Iíve discovered itís not these women that men need to watch out for the most. In my experience, the women we need to watch out for the most, in fact, the women we need to give a very wide berth to, are women with thick ankles.

Thatís right, women with thick ankles. I mean, think about it for a second.

Women with thick ankles need to be given plenty of space. My dad, Ed Jr., whole heartedly agrees. When I asked him about this, he told me that women with big ankles naturally have bad dispositions. He said they really have no choice, if you think about it. When I asked him why, he said that whenever big ankled women lie down, their ankles rub together.

ďAnd son, over time, they build up calluses, so it has to hurt, and it would right smart affect a personís disposition. Think about it, a personís ankles clunking together over and over and over again. Imagine how this would affect a person after years of rubbing. Theyíd end up being one mean, easy to rile up, parentheses legged person. When it gets down to it, I donít think Iíve ever seen a woman with thick ankles whoĎs been in a good mood.Ē

Thatís a pretty profound statement. It also makes tons of sense. Thereís just no upside to thick ankled women. If one of them is out walking around somewhere, her ankles just might clunk together and create a potential accident situation for both herself and others. And thick ankles canít be disguised. If the woman wears white socks, theyíll look like softballs; if she wears orange socks, itíll be even worse as theyíll look like basketballs. Or maybe even pumpkins. And I donít guess there are any plastic surgeons out there who can help with this problem; after all, I donít think Iíve ever heard of anyone getting an ďankle liftĒ before.

This is a bad situation any way you happen to look at it, and then some.

Iíve talked this over with the Happy Divorcee, aka the Pip, and he swears heíll never date a thick ankled woman. Iíve also talked it all out with Ray and Hugh, and weíve decided weíll immediately institute a ban on any potential future visits by thick ankled women over at the IHOP. We donít need the potential liability involved, nor can those thick ankles banging around together sound very good -- might even interfere with the BTO, Elvis, and 2 Live Crew music we all like to listen to. And that by itself is plenty of justification for the ban.

Young men of the Southeast (and beyond), take this column as a public service reminder for yourselves - youíve been warned both by the Godfather and The Brotherhood about thick ankled women, so take heed. Remember - you can live with a woman who has mean relatives, uses too much perfume, or makes you buy feminine hygiene products. That can all be dealt with by gritting your teeth and cussing under your breath. But big ankles? Man, if you go out and get hooked up with a thick ankled woman, you deserve to have your bank accounts drained as only Dr. Sholls can . . .


BIO: Ed Williams
Born in Forsyth, Georgia, Ed was raised in Juliette and is a proud product of the Monroe County public school system. His life took a decided turn in 1995 when he bought a home computer and began writing down wild old stories about his upbringing in Juliette. These stories, through an unusual series of events, were published in 1998 in hardback under the title, Sex, Dead Dogs, and Me: The Juliette Journals.

Edís book started out in four bookstores in Macon, Georgia. Through word of mouth and the internet, eight months later he was being stocked nationally in the Books-A-Million chain. In December of 2000, Southern Charm Press (Atlanta) purchased the rights, and published the book in paperback. Since then, Ed's second book, entitled Rough As A Cob: More From the Juliette Journals, has been released (March 2003) in both hardback and trade paperback formats by River City Publishing. His third book, tentatively titled, Honin' The Tulip: Yet More Juliette Journals, is currently being considered for future publication.

Recently, Ed appeared on the Georgia Public Radio program, "Cover to Cover," and has begun writing a weekly nationally syndicated newspaper column called Free Wheelin'. He is in demand as a speaker, and is already being compared to some of Georgiaís most noted humorists.

Edís new book, Rough As A Cob, can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: Ed-Williams.com.


Read more of Ed's funny columns at USADEEPSOUTH!
Trade in the little woman
The South rules!
Getting naked
Experts say . . .

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