by T. Richard Burns
TLC MOBILE ANIMAL SERVICES WILL
BE IN THIS AREA SOON!
Get Fido and Kitty ready
Maladies to be treated:
HOLLOW TAIL DISEASE: Firmly eradicated in cows, this disease has somehow spread to canines. Early symptoms are a cracking of the tail. With our treatment you can throw away the duct tape. We give free testing for advance stages. Bring your dog in and we'll stretch his tail across our specially improvised table and give it three sharp thumps. If it resonates with the first three notes of "Taps," it's time to amputate. There is a reasonable fee for amputation and a handling fee. The size of the handling fee depends on the size and temperament of the dog. (NOTE: All grown Dobermans, Rottweilers, Pit Bulls and German Shepherds are excluded from this service.)
LOUISIANA LETHARGY: This disease existed for years in dogs of south Louisiana but went undetected due to the slow pace of life down there. When these dogs came north with their masters (after Katrina) they spread LL all over the place. While there is no known cure, our occasional shots will keep your dog rejuvenated. This service is not available for humans.
SCAM ALERT! Some unscrupulous vets are shamelessly vaccinating for "Carribbean Lazy Dog Syndrome," knowing fully well that it is the exact thing as Louisiana Lethargy. Do not be taken in.
VOMITING VARMINT DISEASE: This is believed to have spread from coyotes. Our vaccination/cure is cheaper than the cheapest carpet cleaning firm. (If he’s already vomiting, please leave him at home.)
WHY PAY MORE JUST FOR THE NAME BRAND PET FOOD? TLC Mobile Animal Services now has its own cat and dog food brands:
(If Kitty could talk she'd say, "It's dog gone good."
"HOGGY DOGGY DOG FOOD" - New blend.
(When Fido eats this he may live 9 lives.)
As a public service we pick up dead cats and dogs.
Note from Richard Burns:
This satire is original with me, but it was inspired by a true occurrence about 1953-55 in Coffeeville, Mississippi.
A man went through the countryside one Friday afternoon, telling all the farmers to bring their dogs to the rear of Mr. Harry Gordon's department store in Coffeeville at 8 a.m. the next morning for some required shots, free of charge.
This stunt was pulled off on a Friday evening because, with no phones in the country, no one could get wind of its being a prank. As a result, scores of dogs were barking and howling when Mr. Gordon arrived at his store on Saturday morning to open up.
T. Richard Burns lives in Oxford, Mississippi, where he edits the Oxford So & So magazine.
Write him at OxfordSoandSo@yahoo.com.
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