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Bill Fullerton - author

The Other Bowl Game
by Bill Fullerton

"Hello sports fans, this is Greg Gumball coming to you from fabled Wombley Memorial Stadium located in the lower reaches of Upper Sandusky. This hallowed old structure is the setting for this year's first annual L.S.M.F.T Good Health Bowl.

"Today's game will pit the always tough fighting Snipes from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, lead by head coach Jimmy Bob White, against coach Thomas 'Gimmie' Moore and his formidable Jackalopes from Southern Oklahoma Baptist.

"Both teams come into the game with impressive records. Sam Houston was 6-4-1 against community junior colleges while Southern Oklahoma went 7-4 against the point spread.

"To bring you insightful analysis of this eagerly anticipated game, let me bring in our color commentator, the former all-district honorable mention defensive back from Middlebrow High School, Allan Michael."

"Thank you Greg Gumball, and hello again sports fans. This should be a real battle between teams with contrasting styles. The Jackalopes of Southern Oklahoma feature a ball control offense built around the talents of 5' 7" 145 pound Cedrick 'Say What?' Sullivan.

"Operating out of coach 'Gimmie' Moore's famed Broken Bone formation, Sullivan has racked up over 567 yards in four seasons with the Jackalopes. 'Say What?' stats might be even higher had he not been wracked up by a series of painful, crippling injuries while running up the middle in his first three seasons.

"This year, he's run a lot of end sweeps, but so far has had a tendency to sweep so wide, he goes out of bounds on almost every carry. Sometimes a really quick defensive back can catch him first, but 'Say What?' has been running with a real sense of urgency this season.

"While the Jackalopes run, the Snipes fly. Quarterback Rod 'The Reel Thing' Coker, who passed for over 1200 yards this season, leads the offense. Unfortunately, about half of those yards came on interception returns. But when he's hot, he's hot.

"You know, Greg Gumball, everybody's talking about 'Reel Thing' Coker's favorite target, split end Tyrone, 'Spear Catcher' Jones. Although Jones isn't blessed with blazing speed, he makes up for it by running erratic, broken pass routes, leaving defensive backs bewildered and out of position."

"That's great, Allan Michael. It sounds like this game's got all the makings for a great offensive shoot out.

"You could be right Greg Gumball. But both teams have defensive units which could play significant roles in the game's outcome.

"The Sam Houston Institute of Technology Snipes have one of the biggest defensive lines I've ever seen. Anchored by 5'7" 353 pound nose tackle, Buford 'The Blob' Grossman, the Snipes' defensive linemen are simply awesome. But despite that incredible size, they're unusually slow.

"That combination should make it hard for the undersized Jackalope offensive linemen to execute any of their favorite trap and influence blocks. And since the Snipes use either 5 or 7 down linemen with outside linebackers who often act like defensive ends, the Jackalope's elusive running back Cedrick 'Say What' Sullivan may spend a lot of time heading for the sidelines.

"Southern Oklahoma Baptist counters with a defensive unit that features some of the wildest linebackers in the business. The leader of the group is 6'2" 167 pound senior Anthony "Nasty" Nasturtium.

"I tell you Greg Gumball, those guys are just plain mean. According to defensive coordinator Sam 'Body' Breaker, they don't rely on any traditional defensive schemes. Instead, they just hang around and clobber anyone who happens to come nearby. In a recent game, they managed to cripple three members of the school's marching band who hung around a bit too long after half-time, a couple near-sighted game officials, and a little old lady who'd made a wrong turn while trying to find the restroom."

"Sounds to me, Allan Michael, like that could spell trouble for the Snipes' great pass receiver 'Spear Catcher' Jones."

"That's right, Greg Gumball. Despite rumors to the contrary, Jackalope defenders aren't stupid. They do know the difference between playing pass interference, roughing the passer, personal fouls, and manslaughter. Now whether they care about those differences is another matter."

"How's the kicking game Allan Michael?"

"You know how it is Greg Gumball, all kickers are a little strange. Well, so is the kicking game for both teams."

"That's great, Allan Michael. We'll be right back for the kickoff after this pause for commercials, public service announcements, station breaks, and dead air."

"Will somebody fix that draft? I'm freezing my buns."

"Hey, bring some coffee, will ya?"

"Who picked these teams anyway, the humane society?"

"Nah, the bowl committee. It was an easy choice. No other schools were willing to pay the committee's price for an invitation. By the way, Cedrick Sullivan pronounces his first name SEEDrick, not SAIDrick."

"Who gives a flying buffalo chip?"

"You do, if you don't want to go back to calling Middletown Junior High games. Hang loose, we're going back on the air.

"This is Greg Gumball, welcome back to Wombley Stadium and the first annual L.S.M.F.T Good Health Bowl. Any last second comments before the kickoff, Allan Michael?"

"Just this Greg Gumball. Fans should pay close attention to my main man, Southern Oklahoma Baptist running back SEEDrick 'Say What' Sullivan. If he starts turning up-field before running out of bounds, SEEDrick could have a real impact--."


Psssst! Want to know more about Bill Fullerton?

His pen name? "I have been to Angola," he says, "but have never been processed, so far."

His e-mail address? bemildered@yahoo.com

His credentials? He writes: "I have a degree from the Louisiana School for the Unfortunate with no unpaid library fines--that I'm aware of."

His affiliations? Life Member of Possums Unlimited


Bill Fullerton writes:

"At one time or another I've been a country grocery store clerk, oil field roustabout, infantry soldier, graduate student, paper pusher for the government, out of work, and a newspaper columnist. I'm still grinding out sports and general interest pieces, both print and Net, while trying to add published novelist to my resume.

"I have a B.S. from LSU and a Master's degree from Louisiana Tech, and have had academic work published. In addition to USADS, my fiction has appeared in Rose and Thorn, DeadMule.com, Chick Flicks, New Works Review, Nibbler and this summer in LongStoryShort. After picking up a Combat Infantry Badge and Purple Heart in Viet Nam, I lived in New York City from 1970-1972, the setting for my first novel, A Brief Affair.

"Although born and raised in Louisiana, I'm currently out-stationed with my family in Dallas where I've just finished my second novel, We Danced to Ray Charles, a coming-of-age, mainstream story, set in a small Southern town in 1968."

[Note from Ye Editor: And for another great story, be SURE to CLICK HERE to read the story about Bill Fullerton written in 1969 by William F. Buckley, Jr., in the National Review.]


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