usadeepsouth.com
by Bill Melton
The Devil made him do it. At least that’s what he said.
It happened back when Jacob was in the first grade. I came home from work one night to find him in bed a little earlier than usual. His mother said, “Go ask your son what he did at school today.” Ain't it funny how ownership of children shifts from one parent to the other in such situations?
Not one for cloak and dagger routines at home, I inquired as to what he had done. His mother said, “He cut holes in his new pants with a pair of safety scissors and his teacher caught him.”
So I eased into his bedroom, turned on the lights, and found Jacob with the covers pulled up over his head. I pulled them down and found he wasn’t really asleep, just playing possum.
“Son, how was your day at school?”
“Just fine, Daddy.”
“Is there anything that happened today you’d like to share with me?”
“No, Daddy.”
“Then,” I said, my voice rising and demeanor turning to that of R. Lee Ermey in his role as the drill instructor in the movie Full Metal Jacket, “who cut your pants?”
And the crying started. And no, I didn’t make him get down on his knees and choke himself like R. Lee would’ve done. I told him to get out of bed and stand by for a spanking.
As I began the usual line of questioning common to most parents who are preparing to give a beating, I continued in a manner that would make Gunnery Sergeant Ermey proud.
“Why did you cut your pants?”
“Sir, I don’t know, sir!”
“You knew I would spank you, right?”
“Sir, yes, sir!”
“Then you wanted a spanking, didn’t you?”
“Sir, no, sir!”
“Then tell me why you cut your pants!”
And with that Jacob stuck his bottom lip out, looked up at me, and then pointed at the floor and said, “The devil.”
And I had to leave the room. Parents and drill instructors can’t laugh in front of their children or privates. Jacob also didn’t get a spanking. This time he got points for creativity.
But nobody blames the devil anymore. Not directly anyway. Folks always blame their evilness on somebody or something other than themselves, but nobody gives the devil his due anymore.
To even speak of the devil isn’t politically correct these days. Most preachers don’t even mention him, and some don’t even think he’s real. This is funny, too, since I've been a Christian all my life and learned early on that while most Christians don’t make it to church every Sunday, the devil doesn't miss a one.
And the Devil is real. He stays busy too. Right now he’s having a ball in Iraq stirring up stinks on both sides of the track.
But if you are still a skeptic about the reality of the devil, here are a few real life examples, direct from modern society, that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the devil is real.
Cell phones are of the devil. I actually carry two. There is nothing like never being able to get to a place where you can be left alone. There is also nothing like being in the middle of church or other function just to have some fool’s phone go off loudly to the tune of Popeye the Sailorman or some other obnoxious sound.
Computers are of the devil. It’s amazing that a thing I didn’t own or possess ten years ago is the thing I now spend most of my life staring at. The devil also appears to have controlling interest in the Internet.
Bonus cards are of the devil. There is nothing more aggravating than being asked by some cashier for a card I don’t have or want. They always point out how it will save me money, but that’s a crock. All I know is, if I had a store I wouldn’t have a card but I’d dang sure take everybody else’s.
And finally, store bought tomatoes are a sure sign of the devil. If you haven’t planted at least one tomato plant by now, you should. I find it hard to believe that a nation that put a man on the moon over thirty years ago still can’t produce one measly store bought tomato that’s fit to eat.
It could only be the work of the devil.
Bill Melton is a humorist, writer and Gaston County, North Carolina good ol’ boy. You can reach him at wsmeltoninc.
Bill writes to USADS: “I’m a cop who majored in history and started writing a newspaper column just to aggravate my wife.
“The real humor of my writing has been summed up by the Rev. Dewayne Rush, a Presbyterian minister friend of mine. To paraphrase Dewayne a bit, he says the funniest thing about my column is the fact that while thousands of men and women graduate from college each year with bachelor’s and master’s degrees in English and literature, just dying to get something published, a redneck with a history major gets published weekly in newspapers around North Carolina.
"That is pretty funny when you think about it.
"I’ve found writing to be an addiction, almost as addictive as aggravating my wife. When I got serious about being funny, I did a little research. One of the things I found came from a Midwestern good ol’ boy named Garrison Keillor. Brother Keillor says when writing comedy, ‘You only need a few facts to get you started, and sometimes it helps if they’re wrong.’ In other words, we humorists can make some of it up as we go along and still get away with it. Sort of like politics.”
Visit Bill’s web site: www.wsmelton.net
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