usadeepsouth.com
by Bill Melton
With so many Northerners moving down, I thought maybe I should spend some time explaining that most misunderstood of Southern delicacies -- grits.
It bothers me some to see these poor folks wandering around in a fog of ignorance that could cause them to miss out on this Southern form of manna, so here's a grit lesson, for free.
First, it is important to know where grits come from. They don't really grow on trees. Southern good ol' boys have had a pretty good time telling Northerners brave enough to ask. The truth of the matter is, grits really grow on vines. They can be planted right out of the same bag you purchase off your grocer's shelf. And you can actually grow grits in your own back yard if you plant them correctly.
The real secret to good grit growing -- and this is important if you are going to try this it home, folks -- is to make sure you get a grit arbor. Grits need space to spread out so they can run. Grit arbors can be purchased at most Southern hardware and feed stores or anywhere that fishing tackle is sold. If you have the knack for building things, you might even try building your own. Just make sure you ask a good ol' boy how to build one. He will enjoy helping you more than you can imagine.
Once you get your grits planted and your arbor in place, it won't take very long before you are ready to harvest. Grits grow pretty fast. You will know it is time when your grits vines begin to sag low to the ground. Harvesting your grits can be done using one of two preferred methods. The most popular is to have two folks stand under the grit arbor holding a clean white sheet underneath. A third person then vigorously shakes the vine so the grits can fall onto the sheet. When the sheet is full, the grits are poured into a gunnysack.
The second method is not as popular, as it involves the expense of purchasing a grit picker. Again, this is available at most Southern hardware and feed stores or anywhere fishing tackle is sold. Don't try to make one of these yourself. If it is not properly calibrated it can pinch off a finger or put out an eye.
When you have shook up a mess of grits, you are ready to cook. This process is really quite simple. If you have saved the bag you planted your grits from, it will have the cooking directions on the back. It is extremely important to follow the steps on the bag in the sequence they are given, which is something I learned the hard way.
My first attempt at cooking grits almost ended in tragedy. I was 18 years old and a member of the Mount Holly Lifesaving Crew. My best buddy and I decided to cook breakfast for the crew. My job was to cook the grits. I boiled the water and the grits together at the same time. I continued cooking them for over a half hour, adding more grits and water to try to improve the consistency. When breakfast was finally served, our lieutenant, Jim Owen, took a few bites and inquired, "Which one of you two clowns warmed up these grits?" I proudly acknowledged I did. "Well," he said, "that's all you did, because you sure didn't cook them." He then mumbled something ugly about us starving to death or poisoning ourselves if we didn't marry soon.
Once your grits are cooked properly, it is important to know what is appropriate to put in them. A good rule of thumb is that unless it will raise your cholesterol level, it doesn't belong in grits. Examples would be country ham, red eye gravy, sausage, livermush, bacon, and, of course, butter and salt. Maple syrup, white or brown sugar, jelly, or anything of this type is nasty and should be left out of your grits bowl.
Thus endeth the grit lesson. I hope I have cleared up some grit mysteries some of you might have been experiencing.
By the way, if any of you plan on growing your own grits this year, drop me a line and let me know. I would love a picture of you standing next to your grit arbor. Who knows, we might even be able to get them to run it in Grit magazine
Bill Melton is a humorist, writer and Gaston County, North Carolina good ol’ boy. You can reach him at wsmeltoninc.
Bill writes to USADS: “This month, I had the privilege of speaking to Ms. Barbara Domville’s English class at W.C. Friday Middle School in Dallas about the joys of writing. These are pretty big doings for a cop who majored in history and started writing a newspaper column just to aggravate his wife.
“The real humor of my writing has been summed up by the Rev. Dewayne Rush, a Presbyterian minister friend of mine. To paraphrase Dewayne a bit, he says the funniest thing about my column is the fact that while thousands of men and women graduate from college each year with bachelor’s and master’s degrees in English and literature, just dying to get something published, a redneck with a history major gets published weekly in newspapers around North Carolina.
"That is pretty funny when you think about it.
"I’ve found writing to be an addiction, almost as addictive as aggravating my wife. When I got serious about being funny, I did a little research. One of the things I found came from a Midwestern good ol’ boy named Garrison Keillor. Brother Keillor says when writing comedy, ‘You only need a few facts to get you started, and sometimes it helps if they’re wrong.’ In other words, we humorists can make some of it up as we go along and still get away with it. Sort of like politics.”
A Cup of Enlightenment
Read many more great stories listed on our USADS Articles pages.
__________________________
Want to leave a comment on Bill’s story?
Please visit our Message Board
or write Ye Editor at bethjacks@hotmail.com.
Thanks!
Back to USADEEPSOUTH - II index page